


all i want is what i can't have

by throwupsparkles



Series: All I want [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Danger Days Era, Infidelity, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Touring, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:34:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25602877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwupsparkles/pseuds/throwupsparkles
Summary: It’s not fair to ask Gerard to not want this.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Series: All I want [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1870072
Comments: 39
Kudos: 228





	all i want is what i can't have

**Author's Note:**

> ...well someone got into their feelings tonight.

It’s not that Gerard had forgotten how beautiful Frank was.

It had just been so long since he’d seen him on stage next to him, head thrown back in that same way he always did when things got too much. Mouth slightly agape, his eyes squeezed shut and Gerard could bet his legs were shaking. He’s felt them shake under him before.

“Stop, stop,” Frank breathes, pulling away from Gerard and leaning back against the wall of the hotel hallway. 

Gerard took a step back to give Frank space, he’s learned his lesson the hard way that Frank doesn’t like to be crowded when he gets like this. 

He doesn’t say anything, just lets their breathing slow in the dim lighting. He takes in Frank’s seemingly frail body tucked under his cardigan and messy t-shirt. Gerard smiles a little at that, he hadn’t thought he’d ever see Frank wear a mustard cardigan. Fatherhood really suits him. 

Frank’s not even meeting his eyes, just staring down the hallway as if he’s debating going back to his room. And Gerard watches the battle play out on his features, because Frank’s never been good at hiding his emotions. He sees the way his mouth quivers, his brows furrow. Watches his hands clench, then bang into the wall. 

“Ok,” Frank whispers.

Gerard nods and leans in to press a gentle kiss to his forehead and tries not to let the way Frank’s body instantly relaxes affect him too much. He had forgotten what it was like to be like this with Frank. How they just melted together, how Frank was so fucking trusting. Too trusting for all that Gerard’s put his heart through. 

He moves to the door and pulls out the key card from his back pocket then opens the door. Holding it ajar for Frank to slip in first, then follows after him. 

They don’t turn on the lights, Frank just turns and brushes his lips against Gerard’s. Slowly. So different from the kisses they’ve shared in the past. When the lust had just built and built into something frantic, something destructive. Some days he misses the scraped knees, the bruises and scratches on his skin. All the places where Frank had been.

Gerard had thought that the years would have made them rush, to push each other to remember why they do this. Or to rush through, hurry to the release and then separate before they let it mean anything. But Frank is cradling Gerard’s face delicately and pressing soft, closed mouth kisses against Gerard’s lips. Gerard hums and leans back against the door and strokes the front of Frank’s throat, smiling when he feels the low moan under his fingertips. 

“Bed?” Gerard murmurs softly. 

Frank hesitates then, his hands frozen against Gerard’s face. 

Gerard holds his breath, because he’d stop if Frank wanted to. Of course he would. But he, fuck, he’s missed him so fucking much. Missed feeling his calloused fingertips on his skin. Missed feeling the slide of his hair between his fingers, and fuck it’s grown out so much. It’s not fair how beautiful he is. It’s not fair to ask Gerard to not want this. 

Frank takes a step back and Gerard closes his eyes, prepares himself to hear Frank tell him this is a mistake. But he sees warmth erupt behind his lids. When he opens his eyes, Frank’s turned on the light and is starting to shrug out of his cardigan. 

“Let me do that part,” Gerard whispers, then when Frank’s fingers hover over the garment, “Please.”

Frank’s hands drop and he looks up at Gerard, and he sees the shift. The moment when Frank’s guard melts and he’s looking at Gerard the same way he had when they were in their twenties and Gerard hadn’t broken his heart yet. He’s looking at him like Gerard still matters. Like he’s still young and full of dreams that haven’t been tarnished yet. Like Gerard could still grant those dreams, was still someone worth loving. 

Gerard inhales shakily then takes the few steps to him, runs his hands up Frank’s cotton clad chest and pushes the cardigan off his shoulders. He looks down and watches it pool on the floor. Gerard hums and presses a kiss against Frank’s scorpion tattoo, chuckling at how Frank is still so responsive there. Gerard hooks his fingers under the hem of Frank’s shirt, then pulls it up and over his head, letting it drift down to the floor too. 

He kneels to the floor and presses a kiss on each swallow, licks at the one with the bar across it’s eyes. Knows it’s him, nestled here against Frank’s belly for the rest of his life. He hums, nibbles on the one with crosses over its eyes. Wonders if he’d be able to talk Frank into letting him draw them on him one night. 

“Gee,” Frank whispers, and Gerard looks up to see Frank watching him. He holds his gaze and unzips Frank’s pants, keeps his eyes on Frank’s as he tugs the denim down. Frank braces a hand on Gerard’s shoulder as he steps out of them. And only then does Gerard look down. He loves, absolutely _loves_ that Frank still skips underwear when they play shows. 

“Fuck,” Frank whimpers when Gerard nuzzles against the hair there, presses his nose against the strands and breathes in. He’s never forgotten the way Frank smells. Salty sweet and tangy in the back of Gerard’s throat. He smells the faint trace of the spicy soap he’s been using for years and Gerard has to close his eyes or else he’s going to start crying. It feels like coming home after being locked out in the cold for so long. 

Gerard mouths at him, licks and nibbles at his hips, getting Frank worked up to the point his hand returns to Gerard’s shoulder so he doesn’t fall over. Gerard smiles against his spit dampened skin then looks up at Frank through his lashes before wrapping his hand around Frank’s cock.

Frank’s eyes darken and his hands slip into Gerard’s matted red stained hair. He knows that the dye is going to seep into Frank’s hands, marking him red handed for their night of weakness. Gerard groans at the thought, of marking him up--claiming something that doesn’t belong to him. 

He had planned on licking at him teasingly, slowly and pulling Frank apart gently--in a way that wouldn’t spook him too much. But once his lips stretch over Frank, all plans go out the window. All fucking _thoughts_ go out the window. He’s reduced to nothing but Frank’s whines above him, the weight of him on his tongue, his mouth coated in his precome and Gerard swallows, wanting it to take him down into his body. Wants him to nestle down inside him where he can soothe over all the bad shit that’s been erupting in Gerard again. 

“Stop, stop,” Frank whimpers and Gerard pulls off quickly, dread covering him in cold sweat, but Frank cups his cheeks and kisses him. “I don’t want this to be over yet,” he explains softly, licking the tip of Gerard’s nose. 

Gerard leans forward and lets Frank’s hands trail behind his neck and rub at the tension that’s always there. Gerard groans and presses his forehead against Frank’s stomach. 

“Hey,” Frank says softly, “Hey, let me undress you now.”

Frank holds out his hand and Gerard takes it, letting him help get Gerard’s aging body off the floor. His knees groan in protest and Frank chuckles softly, “Old man.”

“Shut up,” Gerard blushes, leaning into him then melting under the tattooed hands that are pushing Gerard’s black muscle tee off. He doesn’t say anything about Gerard’s shrinking body, but his eyes are heavy, like they’re saying every concern he’s thinking. 

He tucks his face against Gerard’s neck and inhales, like he’s familiarizing himself with Gerard too. As if they could ever really forget each other. There’s nights where Gerard wakes up in his bed, achingly hard with the memory of Frank’s lips. 

Frank undoes Gerard’s pants and they laugh softly at how Gerard has to wiggle to get them over his ass and onto the floor. And then Gerard’s laugh melts into a low moan as Frank wraps his hand around Gerard’s cock, stroking slowly. 

Frank kisses along the shell of his ear. “Missed this,” he whispers, his hot breath making Gerard shiver. 

“Me too,” he says, voice thick. He clears his throat, “Frankie.”

“Tell me that it’s as good with her.”

Gerard’s eyes squeeze shut. Frank’s breaking the rules, they’re not supposed to talk about them when they’re like this. Especially now that he can feel Frank’s wedding band rubbing against his cock. “Don’t--”

“I just need to know you gave this up for something better,” Frank pants, then licks down Gerard’s neck and Gerard’s eyes flutter open. 

“Bed,” he whispers. 

Frank walks them backwards and gently lays Gerard down across the mattress. And then Frank’s mouth is on Gerard’s and it’s rougher, more demanding and it’s like being twenty-five again. It’s like being pressed in a closet at a venue while the guys gear up for the show as Frank breaks Gerard down until he’s nothing and then builds him back up to be the showman they needed for the night. 

Gerard matches his anguished kisses, bites at his lip and he licks over the scar from when his lip was pierced. Frank shoves his tongue down Gerard’s throat, like he’s fucking him, claiming him and Gerard goes pliant. He knows that Frank has to be in control, has to feel like he has some sort of hold over Gerard and this situation. 

And Gerard hates himself for this. Frank, Gerard loves and hates Frank at the same time. No, that’s not really true either. He _loves_ Frank, loves him more than he think he’ll ever be able to understand--that some days he’s hit with another wave of it just when he thinks he’s figured it out. But he hates how loving Frank makes him feel. He hates himself for it. Can’t stand how they let this play out. How they went from kissing in the back of tour buses to sneaking around in hotel rooms behind Jamia and whoever Gerard was seeing at the time. Hated that falling in love with Lyn-z felt tainted, _hated_ what it had done to Frank. To them. 

Fucking hates that this feeling hasn’t dampened overtime. That they’ve never been able to move on from this. 

That he doesn’t want to move on. Doesn’t want to ever let Frank go. 

“S’the last time,” Frank whispers, nipping at Gerard’s bottom lip. 

It won’t be, but Gerard nods anyway. 

“Condoms are in my bag,” Gerard says, cupping Frank’s flushed cheek. He loved how much he blushed when they were like this. How his cheeks turned rosey and had a sheen of sweat, his lips spit covered and bitten red, eyes wide and sparkling, “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”

Gerard feels Frank’s body shutter, watches Frank’s eyes flutter shut like he’s trying to block out his other senses so he can let those words rattle in his mind longer. So Gerard whispers, “So pretty, baby.”

Frank opens his eyes and kisses him again, slower, like he’s shaken Frank up. “Lube?” He whispers. 

“Bag,” Gerard says, “With the condoms.”

Frank slides off the bed and goes to Gerard’s suitcase. Gerard wraps his hand around the base of his cock, squeezing lightly and watching Frank’s ass as he walks across the room. 

He returns with the bottle of lube, dropping it on the bed. 

Gerard arches his eyebrow. 

“I’m clean,” Frank says, “I know you are too.”

“Yeah,” Gerard says, “But you’re married.”

Frank climbs over him and kisses him. “You too.”

Gerard hums, licks into his mouth before saying, “You never were good about making me wear one.”

Frank shrugs and picks up the bottle of lube, coating his fingers and Gerard reaches for him. “Not going to let me help?” He asks softly. 

Frank’s eyes darken and he reaches behind him. Gerard watches his head bow as he sinks his own fingers inside. Gerard knows that it’s not as good, that he’s trying to keep some of himself away from Gerard. He always gets emotional when they do this, tries to keep in control so that Gerard can’t break him anymore than he has. 

Gerard grips Frank’s hips and flips them so that Frank is laying back on the mattress. Gerard pulls Frank’s hand away and wraps his lips around his slick fingers. Frank groans and his legs fall further apart. 

“Let me,” Gerard whispers against his fingertips and Frank nods. Gerard presses kisses against Frank’s thighs, “Let me make this good for you.”

“Always good,” Frank breathes. 

Gerard chuckles darkly and then leans up to brush his lips over Frank’s heart. “I meant here too,” he whispers, “Let me make this good for you here too.”

“Gee,” Frank’s voice breaks. 

Gerard doesn’t respond, just sinks back down between his legs. He presses a kiss to Frank’s balls, takes one in his mouth and sucks, holding Frank’s bucking hips down to the mattress. Then he licks down and presses his tongue flat against his opening. Frank’s always fallen apart for this, always goes soft and sweet when he opens him up this way. And he thinks that’s why he doesn’t let Gerard do it often. It always makes him so emotional after, makes it too real for Gerard to do something this intimate with him. It makes it so much more than two friends getting each other off in secret. 

Gerard slides his finger in alongside his tongue and Frank’s so fucking tight. It’s like the first time all over again. He hums, loving that he’s going to have to take his time. Sometimes Gerard loves this more than the actual fucking. He loves the way Frank just _melts_ under his tongue, how soft little gasps fill the air and his hands shake in Gerard’s hair. He loves how his body responds to Gerard, moving against him, trying to get closer. It’s like they’re fucking magnets, not even thinking, just pushing tighter and tighter until they mold into one another. Thinks that’s why it always hurts so much when they pull apart later. 

“I’m ready,” Frank whines when Gerard’s got three fingers pumping slowly in him. He only brushes against that bundle of nerves every so often, just to watch Frank’s thighs quiver and then slide further apart for Gerard. 

“Oh yeah?” Gerard whispers, brushing his lips over his sweaty brow. 

“Please.” 

Gerard hums against Frank’s throat and stills his fingers. “I haven’t heard you beg in a long time.”

“Fuck you,” Frank breathes, but he’s fucking himself against Gerard’s fingers. 

“Say the magic word,” Gerard purrs. 

“Already did.”

“Want to hear you again,” Gerard says, grinning and taking Frank’s nipple in his mouth, sucking hard. 

Frank arches up against his mouth and then slams back down against Gerard’s fingers. “ _Fuck_. Ok, ok, please, Gee. Please, I need you to fuck me. I need you inside me.”

“I’m inside you now,” Gerard murmurs against his wet and angry red nipple. 

“Fuck you,” Frank pants, “Your cock. I need your cock in me. Now. Fuck me right now, please. Please, please.”

Gerard groans and presses a kiss against Frank’s nipple then sits up on his knees, taking the bottle of lube and slicking himself up. Frank watches, his hand wrapped around his cock, just barely stroking the head. 

Frank wraps his legs around Gerard’s waist as he lines up, pressing the blunt head of his cock against Frank. Frank’s moan is low and thick as Gerard pushes in, letting just the tip sink into him. Gerard kisses him through it, licks at his lips that are pressed into a thin line. 

Gerard feels it when Frank slackens against him, nods and kisses Gerard back. And then Gerard sinks in until they’re flushed against each other. Frank’s arms tangle around Gerard, letting a hand run up and down Gerard’s spine as he holds himself still in Frank. He almost doesn’t even want to fuck, just wants to stay wrapped up in Frank. He wants to cry at how warm and safe he feels, how he hasn’t felt this comforted in _years_. 

He thinks he let a sob sneak out of his throat because Frank is brushing his lips against Gerard’s jaw. “Come on, baby, s’okay,” he whispers, pushing at Gerard’s ass with his legs.

Gerard shivers then rocks back, almost slipping out of Frank, before letting Frank push him forward with his legs. Their moans mix and Gerard falls deeper in the fantasy that this is his to take forever. That he can have this whenever he wants. That he doesn’t have to savor this like his last fucking meal because this is his new normal. That Frank is never going to leave him. They’re never going to leave this bed. 

Gerard tells him. 

Breathes, “Want this.”

Frank kisses him, digs his nails into Gerard’s back as he starts to pick up speed. As the heat builds in his belly and he can feel Frank’s cock twitching when Gerard moves over it. “It’s yours,” Frank whispers. 

“No,” Gerard says, tucking his face into Frank’s neck, letting the tangled scent of their sweat mixed together climb inside his nose. “Want this forever. I could love you forever.”

Frank hugs him tighter. “I know,” he says, voice cracking and that’s all it takes for Gerard to grip Frank’s shoulders as leverage and really fuck him. Lets himself sink into the squeaking sounds of the mattress, of Frank’s moans escalating into cries and declarations that can’t leave these walls. 

Gerard can feel Frank teetering the edge, so he slides his hand down and wraps it around Frank’s cock. He knows he’s too far gone to have any technique to it, just snaps his wrist erratically as his hips rock into Frank and then he feels him tightening around him and _thank God_ , because Gerard was about to lose it. 

But he always loves watching Frank come. How he throws his head back like he’s on stage. Watches his mouth open with a forgotten plea on his lips. His body shakes and Gerard holds still, lets his body just convulse around him and then sink into the bed. 

Gerard rests his forehead against Frank’s, slowing his breath and letting Frank come down. He reaches down and runs his finger against where he’s stretching Frank open. He whimpers and bucks his hips. Gerard smiles and kisses him sweetly. 

“Fucker,” Frank pants as Gerard sinks the finger in then back out. Gerard rocks his hips slowly, watching Frank’s eyes flutter at the sensitivity. 

“Too much?” Gerard whispers. 

Frank opens his eyes and shakes his head, holding him closer. Gerard builds up the momentum again, hears the headboard hitting the wall and Frank whining under him. And then his limbs lock up, his chin tucking against his chest as he shakes and feels the liquid heat pour though his whole body, prying out a cry from his throat. 

His face is hiding in the curve of Frank’s neck again when he comes back down. 

“Shh,” Frank murmurs, rubbing his back again and Gerard feels the slickness of his tears coating Frank’s neck. “Shh, baby, I’m right here.”

_For now._

Gerard pulls out and lays on his back next to Frank, letting his breathing slow and the tears slide down the side of his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he says, trying to laugh, but it doesn’t sound right, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

Frank turns on his side and props his head up on his bent arm. “Yes, you do.”

Gerard wipes at his checks and exhales shakily. Frank leans over and brushes his wet cheeks with his lips. “Love you,” he murmurs. 

“Why would you say that to me right now?” Gerard whispers, pushing him away and sitting up. 

Frank sits up and rests his chin on his shoulder. “It’s true,” Frank murmurs, “It’s always been--”

“Stop.”

“No,” Frank says, sliding off the bed and finding his jeans. “No, I’m not doing this with you. You don’t get to cry and act like the victim.”

Gerard pulls the blanket around him and looks up at him. “I hurt too.”

Frank zips up and rolls his eyes. “You left me.”

“That’s really how you've got it in your head?” Gerard hisses, “You’re such a fucking hyprocrite, who’s playing the victim here?”

“You’re the one that said no!” Frank insists, throwing his hands up. 

“Because you were getting _married_ ,” Gerard growls, “You acted like I fucking betrayed you, but you got married first!”

“Because you were never going to--,” Frank cuts off and laughs hard, shaking his head, “It doesn’t really fucking matter anymore does it?”

“What were you going to say?” Gerard asks softly. 

Frank looks up at him and his eyes soften. He walks back over to Gerard and kneels down on the floor and rests his head on the bed, looking up at him. “You were never going to let yourself love me.”

“I do love you,” Gerard whispers. 

“I know,” he nods.

“Then--”

“You never wanted us to work out,” Frank says.

Gerard shakes his head. “We wouldn’t work out. We’d be fine for a couple of days, maybe, but then we’d find a way to fuck it up. _I’d_ find a way to fuck it up.”

“Stop that,” Frank sighs, getting up and sitting back on the bed next to Gerard, “Why does it work with you and her then?”

Gerard doesn’t answer, just moves to lay his head in Frank’s lap. Frank strokes his messy red hair, his fingers getting tangled in the matted strands. “It doesn’t have to be this way.”

“It’s too late now,” Gerard whispers, “Even...even if we, if I thought we could work, it’s too late now.”

“Your fault for waiting.”

“You’re going to tell me you regret getting married and having children with her?” Gerard whispers. 

Frank’s fingers still in his hair. “It’s different.”

“How?”

“Because you burn me up inside,” Frank murmurs, stroking his hair again, “You tear me apart and it fucking hurts, but I keep coming back. And I will as long as you let me.”

“That’s not healthy,” Gerard whispers. 

Frank taps against Gerard’s temple. “Look who’s talking.”

Gerard snorts and turns so he’s looking up at Frank. Frank runs his fingers over the bridge of Gerard’s nose, across his cheeks, then over his lips. “God, why do you have to be so pretty?” Frank leans down to kiss him. “I’d only let you hurt me, you know that right? Only you get to do that.”

Gerard tangles his fingers in Frank’s hair and holds him close. “I don’t want you to hurt,” he says against Frank’s lips, “I only want good things for you, Frankie.”

Frank leans his forehead against Gerard’s and exhales. Gerard can hear the words in the silence. 

_You’ve taken all the good things._

“You’re happier than you’d be with me,” Gerard murmurs, stroking his cheek. “She gave you kids, a home. Some place stable for you to lay your head. You and I are too...too messy. We wouldn’t be good together. We’d tangle and be toxic.”

“I disagree,” Frank sighs. 

“I know,” Gerard says, because they always end here. 

“Want to order room service?” Frank says quietly, trying to change the subject. There’s no reason to fight tonight, they’ll be doing that plenty on tour. “Thinking fries, something hot and salty.”

Gerard loses the anguish in him and snorts. Fucking Frank.

Frank rolls his eyes. “Not like that, God, you’re what? Thirty?”

Gerard shoves at him playfully. “You literally drew penises all over Ray’s guitar case yesterday.”

Frank grins and Gerard’s chest loosens a little. Because it’s always going to be like this. It’s going to be messy--lots of hurt with dollops of easy smiles. Frank is always going to pull all of Gerard’s extremities out, and maybe that’s why he thinks they’ll never work. He’s always thought he’s felt too deeply, but Frank makes it so intense it _hurts_ and it’s just, not easier this way, but he can trick himself into thinking it’s better. 

Frank leans over to pick up the hotel phone and ring in room service. Gerard watches the way his throat moves as he talks, his rubbed raw lips circling over his words. Sees the smile as Frank’s voice politely puts in their order. He hangs up and looks over at him. “What?”

“I do love you,” Gerard says, “I’m in love with you. I know it doesn’t seem like that sometimes, but I am.”

Frank cups his cheeks and kisses him slow, pushes him down on the mattress. 

Gerard knows that they’ll kiss until their fries arrive. And then they’ll turn the television on to watch some shitty late night show while they eat. He knows that they’ll fuck again, slow and lazy. Gerard will wait until Frank is asleep before crawling out of bed and getting dressed. He’ll slip out of the hotel room with his bag and knock on Mikey’s door. 

Mikey will have been staying up, because he knew this would happen. He’ll pull Gerard in and make him a cup of coffee and listen to Gerard’s tearful promise that it’ll never happen again. Mikey will nod and not say anything, just will tuck Gerard into bed after he’s got it out of his system. 

And then Gerard will get back on stage the next night and watch Frank. Frank, who’ll grin at him with their shared secret and Gerard will forget for a bit that he’s a thirty year old husband. He’ll dance around Frank like they’re young and he hasn’t broken his best friend’s heart. Frank will laugh and give it his all, will wrap his arm around Gerard’s waist as they walk off stage and press a kiss behind his ear, whispering “I love you,” as if it was still a secret. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come bug me on [tumblr](https://throwupsparkles.tumblr.com/).
> 
> This work has also been translated into [Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/9940995).


End file.
